Hagaon Hacham Mordechai Eliyahu z.s.l.

Grace Before Meal

The owner of the local McDonald’s arranged a meeting with the town minister. He told him, “I’d like to give $50,000 to your house of worship, and all I ask in return is that for the next year you teach the congregation to change the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily Big Mac.’”

“I really can’t do such a thing,” the minister replied.

“What if I double it to $100,000?” the McDonald’s owner said, “but that’s as far as I can go,” he added.

The minister thought for a moment and replied, “Let me talk this over with the committee and get back to you.”

Calling together all committee members, the minister announced, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is we can get $100,000 from the local McDonald’s this year. The bad news is we’re probably going to lose the Wonder Bread account.”

Abhu Cohen

 

How Traditions Get Started

A young Jewish mother was preparing a brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner. Her daughter watched with interest as the mother sliced off the ends of the brisket before placing it in the roasting pan.

The young girl asked her mother why she cut off the ends. The mother paused for a moment and then said, “You know, I’m not sure. This is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let’s call Grandma and ask her.”

So, she phoned her mother and asked why she always slices the ends off the brisket before roasting.

The grandmother thought for a moment and then said, “You know, I’m not sure why, this is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket.” Now the three of them were very curious, so they paid a visit to the great-grandma in the nursing home.

“You know,” they said, “when we make a brisket we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?”

“I don’t know why you do it,” said the old woman, “but I just never had a pan that was large enough!”

Tutu Mulu

 

The Fire Engine that Could

One night, outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around. When thevolunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center ofthe plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could save the company’s secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the local Hasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65.

To everyone’s amazement, that shoddy little fire engine roared right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement and disbelief as the Hasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire andfought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the fire was extinguished and the secretformulas saved.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and he walked over to personally thank each of the brave Jewish fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, and he approached the Hasidic Chief. “What are you going to do with all that money?” he asked.

“Vell,“ said Moishe, the 70-year-old fire chief, “Da foist ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat brokenfire truck.”

E. Gindi

 

Police Perspective

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

“Well,” he replied, “the pay is good and the hours aren’t bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.”

Sarah A.

When Turtles Fly

Deep within a forest, a little turtle lived together with a family of birds for many years. One day he began to climb a tree, in an attempt to fly. After tremendous effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. “Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

Shmuel Lalehfar

Kosher Teeth

When Yuri arrived at Ellis Island, the customs officials found five sets of gold teeth in his luggage. Suspicious as to why anyone needed so many sets, they asked Yuri to explain.

“Vell, I converted to become an Orthodox Jew and among the laws Jews follow is to have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products. But I have become so kosher and religious that I also have separate sets of teeth.”

The customs official shook his head and said, “Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?”

“Vell,” Yuri explained, “us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate Passover teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.”

The customs official slapped his head and then said, “You must be a very dedicated Jew with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?”

“Vell, to tell you the truth,” Yuri said with hesitation, “Vonce in a while I still like a ham sandwich.”

Elka Ades

Getting Acquainted

A lonely frog, desperate for companionship, telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future had in store for him. His personal Psychic Advisor advised him, “You are going to meet a charming young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog was thrilled and asked, “This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?”

“No,” the psychic answered, “in Biology class.”

Chanch E. LooLoo

Bagel Bargaining

Charlie put two bagels on the counter and asked, “How much for these bagels?”

“It’s two for a dollar,” replied the cashier.

Pointing to just one of them, Charlie asked, “How much for this one?”

“Sixty-five cents,” replied the cashier.

“Ok,” Charlie said, placing a quarter and two nickels on the counter. “I’ll take the other one, then...”

S. F.

 

Better Than a Breathalyzer

A man and his son were walking down the street. The son turned to his father and asked “Dad, how would I know if I was drunk?”

“Well,” responded the father, pointing his finger across the street, “do you see those two people across the street? If you were drunk, you would see four people instead of two, because everything you see gets doubled.”

“Uh, day?” the boy said. “What does it mean if I only see one person?”

Joe Chehebar