Hagaon Hacham Mordechai Eliyahu z.s.l.

By: Sito

Dear Sito,

My wife and I have very different taste in clothes. The conservative stuff I buy for myself she finds hideous, and the hip and stylish stuff she picks out for me is not at all my speed. I’m not very big on fashion, but I know what I’m comfortable with. The problem is that my wife keeps trying to change my style. She says that it is her role as a wife to make sure that I leave the house looking “distinguished” and that because she has to look at me all day long, she should have more of a say in what I wear than I do. Am I being unreasonable to resist her fashion “help”? Or is she out of line for trying to dictate my wardrobe?

Signed, Not a GQ Man

Dear Not a GQ Man,

There is no accounting for taste in clothing, and one woman’s “distinguished” is another man’s nightmare. At least part of the struggle, as I read it, is that you are resisting your wife’s fashion “help” because it implies that you are not good enough the way you are. Every wife – and husband, for that matter – wants to feel proud of his/her spouse. In some respects, that is determined, at least in part, by how they look. A friend’s husband urged his wife to get manicures. Another woman told her husband to try a new barber because his haircut was outdated. Not surprisingly, neither was very receptive to these suggestions… until they began to see the suggestion not as an indictment of them but rather a request based on their spouse’s preference.

My first suggestion is to explore the vast middle ground between “hideous conservative” and “hip and stylish.” Without the pressure of needing to actually buy anything, go shopping together. Use the opportunity as an exercise to find out what she is looking for, while communicating to her what styles feel comfortable. Opening up your mind to this will allow you to feel that you are enhancing your style and not that she is trying to change you. And you can start small. One of the easiest ways to update your style is with a new tie. A black suit is a black suit, but add a stylish tie and voila! Similarly, other accessories, like cuff links, a belt, or sunglasses, can probably add that flash of style that your wife would appreciate, without taking you out of your comfort zone.

Let her know that you welcome her suggestions but that you retain absolute veto power. If she recognizes that you are receptive, and she recommends rather than dictates her ideas, this can be a win-win situation that brings you closer together.

All the best,

Sito