The Biggest Event in Modern Jewish History
Three mothers are sitting on an Ocean Parkway bench talking about how much their sons love them.
Ruth says, “You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Abe, bought that for me for my 53rd– uh– 26thbirthday. He’s a good son and loves me dearly.”
Esther says, “You call that love? You know the Range Rover I just got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Benny. What a doll!”
Arlene says, “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He’s in session with a psychoanalyst in Manhattan for about 15 years now. Five sessions a week, and each one costs him $250. And what do you think he talks about at each one? Me!”
A Rush Hour Adventure
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.
"What’s the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran out to the airport, chartered a helicopter, landed on the roof of Madison Square Garden, and was carried here piggyback by Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks.”
“Come on Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “You’ll have to do better than that… everyone know that no woman can get ready in ten minutes.”
Beyond a Bribe
At the start of a court case, the judge banged his gavel and in a loud commanding voice stated: “It is my duty as the judge in this case to disclose that last week, the plaintiff sent me an envelope with $10,000 in cash to find in his favor.”
The plaintiff gasped.
“Then, two days later,” the judge continued, “I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor.”
By now both the plaintiff and defendant had turned beet red. stunned, they awaited the judge’s next remarks.
“I have therefore decided to return $10,000 back to the defendant so I can try the case without bias.”
The Corniest Joke
Q: Where is a corn’s favorite place to go?
A: The cornival!
David Isaac Ades
A Rabbi’s Warning
A rabbi was waiting on line at his local bank when a hippy-looking bearded young man joined the line just behind him. The man was holding a leather briefcase and the rabbi immediately noticed that one of the fasteners on the man’s briefcase was undone and the other fastener looked like it was going to burst open at any moment, so he turned to the man and said, “If you’re not careful you’re going to lose the contents of your briefcase.”
Just then, the briefcase burst open scattering papers all over the floor. The man dropped to the floor, held his hands together and stared at the rabbi with fear in his eyes and said, “I promise to repent. But please tell me how on earth did you do that?”
A Jewish man passing through Texas in the 1850s for a short stay on business checked into the local inn at a “frontier town.” Not to be conspicuous, he dressed in classic Western attire and went into the only saloon in town to order a beer. The saloon was full of men in cowboy clothes, wearing six-shooters and looking very gruff. As he sipped his beer, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, Bubba, the biggest, burliest, surliest looking fellow in the whole town walked in and bellowed, “Ah hears there is a Jew in here!”
The Jewish man cringed and kept quiet.
“Ah know you’re in here and you better speak up,” Bubba proclaimed.
Feeling that everyone was staring at him, the Jewish man couldn’t take it anymore, and so he stood up proudly and announced, “I am a Jew!”
The cowboy stared at the Jew angrily and shouted, “What are you hiding for?”
Speechless, the Jewish man looked to the exit. But it was too late, Bubba had already grabbed his arm saying, “I’m gonna need you to step outside with me.”
Just then, Big Jake, an even tougher looking fellow, walked into the saloon and suddenly everyone became quiet. “Hey Bubba,” Big Jake asked as he squinted his eyes directly at the Jewish man, who was already saying his last prayers, “did you find the tenth man for our minyen yet?”
George of Mongolia
When George decided to join a remote monastery in Mongolia, the monk said to him, “This is a silent sanctuary. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.”
George lived in the monastery for five years, and then one day the monk said to him, “George, now that you have been here for five years, you may speak two words.”
George said, “Hard bed.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” the monk said. “We will see about getting you a better bed.”
After another five years, George was again summoned by the monk. “You may say another two words, George.”
“Cold food,” said George. The monk assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the monk again called George to his office. “You may say two words today.”
“I quit,” said George.
“It’s probably best,” said the monk, “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
The Higher Power
A teacher said to her students, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in ancient times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”
Nathan raised his hand.
“Yes, Nathan,” the teacher encouraged, “what is the higher power?”
Smiling confidently, Nathan replied, “Aces!”
As a mother of nine, it’s no easy job for Sandra to get her family dressed each morning – let alone getting them all to wear outfits that are matching. But somehow, day in and day out, she manages to dress them all in matching clothes, down to the little baby. When asked why she makes the extra effort to match their outfits, she explained, “When we had just four children, I started dressing them alike so we wouldn’t lose any of them… Now, I dress them alike so we don’t accidentally pick up any that don’t belong to us.”